Hi it's my exam period. It is especially during this period that I have a lot of thoughts running around in my mind? Perhaps it's because my mind is finally functioning at its optimal capacity, haha..
Exams have been going on fine, i might have about 20 marks in Math P1, blundered through my GP's summary component, and skipped 6 marks in Chem P2. However, the greatest source of my disappointment and dissatisfaction came in Chem P3, in which I left 10 marks unattempted, not because I did not know how to do, but merely because I was an idiot and did not manage my time properly. I had to do 4 out of the 5 questions and mistakenly left the deductive question to the last, despite knowing well that I can't handle a deductive question under pressure. Can I be dumber? And in the last 15 minutes of panic and scramble I had not manage to clinch the marks that I could have easily gotten. I am so utterly disappointed, because Chemistry is supposed to be my forte, my best subject and I had just done my entire year's worth of effort a great injustice. I worked my ass off for Chemistry and this exam may be summarising my FINAL chemistry grade unfairly. I can't even summon up the courage to cry because I feel like I don't even deserve the right to. I feel so bad; I had just misrepresented my hard work and done my Chem teacher a great disfavour. All the consultations that we had, all the detailed and well-planned tutorial lessons, all that feels wasted. I remember being deeply touched during Grad ceremony where she, as a teacher representative gave a touching speech about being humble when we succeed and preserving when we fail. Life is not a make it or break it. And that Alevels is just a mountain that we have to overcome; there will be so many more mountains ahead of us. I was so touched because it was everything I failed to make myself realise. Considered from a sufficient distance, every thing we do or say is indeed meaningless right now. It was as though life came with a pair of glasses with a zoom-in and zoom-out function. Right now I am zooming in by perhaps a thousand times I can only see the flaws and idiosyncrasies of my being and my great folly.
When I came out of the exam hall on friday, the Chemistry teachers of the cohort were mostly waiting outside the hall, waiting to ask us how it went, I was one of the first to emerge; having wanting to escape the pain and into the comforts of denial by leaving the exam hall as soon as possible. I saw my Chem teacher and she asked my how was it, I sadly shook my head and admitted my folly of losing 10 marks and worriedly asked if that will cost me my A, to which she replied that she wouldn't know, and Paper 2 will more likely be the determining factor?? And when I asked if the paper was difficult, I was greatly disappointed, because she said it was very manageable, before looking over my shoulder and telling me to focus on paper 1. I felt so sorry and indebted and I hope that she can get a better response from her other students, "Oh damn the paper was so easy, I breezed through it!" or some response of sorts. And seeing the crowd of students chirpily discussing their answers, I only felt a sharp pang of disappointment, knowing full well that I may have already gave myself an unfair disadvantage by losing that 10 marks. I know it shouldn't be this way, but this year, with no close friends by my side, I kind of feel like everyone is a competitor. Yet I also know that the only person I should be and can be competing with, is myself.
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