Purpose

Indeed there is tremendous purpose in struggle. Perhaps one day if we (God forbid) lose our reason to struggle, we might simply lose the reason to exist? I felt a tremendous sense of loss when Grenouille, the murderer in "Perfume: the story of a murderer" commits suicide after successfully formulating the "red-hair lady" scent that he had relentlessly (lawlessly) pursued. 即使拥有了天下，但若遗失了当初美好（不管是朋友的伴随，百折不挠的精神，或心无尘埃的那份平静），结果总归是要失望的。所以让我们在努力的同时，千万不要忽略身边鼓励我们向上的亲人。Perhaps they are really our reason for even trying.

Memories

Reflecting on my way to school, and I saw this trio riding their mountain bikes upslope. The lady was falling behind, and it suddenly dawn on me that life was a lot like that. The ride uphill is steep and often filled with obstacles and challenges. But the journey downhill will be a breeze. It'll be well worth it.

Suddenly remembered the many Cycling trips I had with this Friend, and the memories that I recalled made me laugh out loud! He'd just started learning how to cycle and was zigzagging along the tiny path when a professional cyclist shouted across while passing us by, "Hey stop zigzagging man!" I was so indignant about it and immediately shouted back in his defence that he was just a beginner. Such a beautiful Saturday morning. Shouldn't this beauty warrant a bit more graciousness? 

and the time when I got bitten 5,6,7 times by mosquitos for my greed, while attempting to collect green mangoes near the Road Safety Park.😅

and the time my bike wires got "tangled" and the wheels won't move.. We had to drag my bike back to the shop only to find out that I had twisted the bike the wrong way...

and I took too long to shower, much to the annoyance of my Friend, hahahaha

And, and, and..

(I am starting to think that being my friend requires a ton of patience)

So thankful for this warm cocoon of memories to fall back on. *warm soapy bath of nostalgia*  When you were creating these memories, you'd never thought they'll be so beautiful and memorable many months/years down the road. 

My heart leaps at the thought of the adventures yet to come once my exams are over:)

陈奕迅 - 爱情转移

Came across this song I heard in my childhood, but never got to know its title. Super thankful to come across it again. 

徘徊过多少橱窗，住过多少旅馆

pai huai guo duo shao chu chuang zhu guo duo shao lv guan 

才会觉得分离也并不冤枉

cai hui jue de fen li ye bing bu yuan wang 

感情是用来浏览 还是用来珍藏

gan qing shi yong lai lan huan shi yong lai zhen cang 

好让日子天天都过的难忘

hao rang ri zi tian tian du guo de nan wang 

熬过了多久患难，湿了多少眼眶

ao guo liao duo jiu huan nan shi liao duo shao yan kuang 

才能知道伤感是爱的遗产

cai neng zhi dao shang gan shi ai de yi chan 

流浪几张双人床 换过几次信仰

liu lang ji zhang shuang ren chuang huan guo ji ci xin yang 

才让戒指义无返顾的交换

cai rang jie zhi yi wu fan gu de jiao huan 

把一个人的温暖 转移到另一个的胸膛

ba yi ge ren de wen nuan zhuan yi dao ling yi ge de xiong tang 

让上次犯的错反省出梦想

rang shang ci fan de cuo fan sheng chu meng xiang 

每个人都是这样 享受过提心吊胆

mei ge ren du shi zhe yang xiang shou guo ti xin diao dan 

才拒绝做爱情代罪的羔羊

cai ju jue zuo ai qing dai zui de gao yang 

回忆是抓不到的月光握紧就变黑暗

hui yi shi zhua bu dao de yue guang wo jin jiu bian hei an 

等虚假的背影消失于晴朗

deng xu jia de bei ying xiao shi yu qing lang 

阳光在身上流转，等所有业障被原谅

yang guang zai shen shang liu zhuan deng suo you ye zhang bei yuan liang 

爱情不停站 想开往地老天荒

ai qing bu ting zhan xiang kai wang di lao tian huang 

需要多勇敢

xu yao duo yong gan 

烛光照亮了晚餐，照不出个答案

zhu guang zhao liang liao wan can zhao bu chu ge da an 

恋爱不是温馨的请客吃饭

lian ai bu shi wen de qing ke chi fan 

床单上铺满花瓣 拥抱让他成长

chuang dan shang pu man hua ban yong bao rang ta cheng chang 

太拥挤就开到了别的土壤

tai yong ji jiu kai dao liao bie de tu rang 

感情需要人接班 接近换来期望

gan qing xu yao ren jie ban jie jin huan lai qi wang 

期望带来失望的恶性循环

qi wang dai lai shi wang de e xing xun huan 

短暂的总是浪漫 漫长总会不满

duan zan de zong shi lang man man chang zong hui bu man 

烧完美好青春换一个老伴

shao wan mei hao qing chun huan yi ge lao ban 

把一个人的温暖 转移到另一个的胸膛

ba yi ge ren de wen nuan zhuan yi dao ling yi ge de xiong tang 

让上次犯的错反省出梦想

rang shang ci fan de cuo fan sheng chu meng xiang 

每个人都是这样 享受过提心吊胆

mei ge ren du shi zhe yang xiang shou guo ti xin diao dan 

才拒绝做爱情代罪的羔羊

cai ju jue zuo ai qing dai zui de gao yang 

回忆是抓不到的月光握紧就变黑暗

hui yi shi zhua bu dao de yue guang wo jin jiu bian hei an 

等虚假的背影消失于晴朗

deng xu jia de bei ying xiao shi yu qing lang 

阳光在身上流转，等所有业障被原谅

yang guang zai shen shang liu zhuan deng suo you ye zhang bei yuan liang 

爱情不停站 想开往地老天荒

ai qing bu ting zhan xiang kai wang di lao tian huang 

需要多勇敢 

xu yao duo yong gan 

把一个人的温暖 转移到另一个的胸膛

ba yi ge ren de wen nuan zhuan yi dao ling yi ge de xiong tang 

让上次犯的错反省出梦想

rang shang ci fan de cuo fan sheng chu meng xiang 

每个人都是这样 享受过提心吊胆

mei ge ren du shi zhe yang xiang shou guo ti xin diao dan 

才拒绝做爱情代罪的羔羊

cai ju jue zuo ai qing dai zui de gao yang 

回忆是抓不到的月光握紧就变黑暗

hui yi shi zhua bu dao de yue guang wo jin jiu bian hei an 

等虚假的背影消失于晴朗

deng xu jia de bei ying xiao shi yu qing lang 

阳光在身上流转，等所有业障被原谅

yang guang zai shen shang liu zhuan deng suo you ye zhang bei yuan liang 

爱情不停站 想开往地老天荒

ai qing bu ting zhan xiang kai wang di lao tian huang 

需要多勇敢

xu yao duo yong gan 

你不要失望 荡气回肠是为了

ni bu yao shi wang dang qi hui chang shi wei liao 

最美的平凡

zui mei de ping fan

Indeed, even the best people/moments in life become long and dreary once we have had it for too long. We lose them, before ultimately learning to treasure them again. This is the melancholy of the human condition. 

On not being good enough

I feel quite thankful for my mum, who tells me reassuringly that there is always going to be a way out. In my wildly emotional exam anxious mind, I feel greatly assured. This feels like the kind of unconditional love that I seem to be searching for since forever. Yes, there will always be a way out. If I *touch wood*, don't get into my desired course, I would just settle for something else. But this is a difficult thought to come to terms with, and precisely so because I have painted a well-defined painting of what my future should be like. It is especially difficult to throw all these high expectations away and have 0 expectations and simply divert my efforts to living the best out of life. I believe that everyone is given the same opportunity and failing to grasp at it or perform well reflects poorly on my abilities. Perhaps this is a Paradox of Privilege. Surrounded by a sea of high achievers, I feel deeply motivated, yet under-accomplished. I am so pitifully afraid of under-performing, and the perfectionist in me in losing the confidence to even try-a dangerous state of mind. I must be brave and battle head-on. I must overcome my fears.

At this point I would like to share this quote a close friend shared with me. This is what she said: 

"In a world where we too often talk about our differences, we have at least one thing in common. We all struggle. Not in the same way, nor in the same level, but we all want a fighting chance. And we all share in one gift: the will to make the most of our lives. To take what we've been given and turn it into something better. And this could be considered the sentient measuring stick of success. But to do so is seldom simple and more often requires we fight. Not against each other. But against the current threatening to drown the ambition in us"

You are not alone in your struggle. While it might be hard to see that we are all struggling in our different ways, know that your struggles are no less "unaccomplished" than anyone else's. Your struggles have made you the person you are today, your struggles have allowed me to come into your life as your friend. Your struggles have shown me how much fight you have in you and how much you inspire me in my own struggles. Your struggles have allowed you to grow into the wonderful person you are today.

"There is tremendous purpose in struggle. It is when the struggle becomes so fierce that we must fight to swim or sink. Grace is the defining moment when we face and fight a monster poised to define us or destroy us. The closer we get to the furnace of the affliction the more our obstinance and pride burns off revealing the best way to win a fight in ourselves is to let grace fight the battle instead."

You don't know how great and strong you are how sometimes i look at you and wonder where your dedication comes from."

Now, I would like to take a moment to let her message sink into me. I foresee that many years down the road I may face similar difficulties again, throwing a shade of self-doubt over my accomplishments. I like to remind myself to come back to this quote and the reminisce in these kind words from a friend of mine, who could see the good in me that I fail to see. 

I am fully aware that many years down the road, perhaps if I am ever so lucky, with my first daughter in my arms in the nursing room, that this failure may well be insignificant. But right now the wound is so raw, that it stings with every thug at my conscious.

12 November 2016, Saturday

Hi it's my exam period. It is especially during this period that I have a lot of thoughts running around in my mind? Perhaps it's because my mind is finally functioning at its optimal capacity, haha..


Exams have been going on fine, i might have about 20 marks in Math P1, blundered through my GP's summary component, and skipped 6 marks in Chem P2. However, the greatest source of my disappointment and dissatisfaction came in Chem P3, in which I left 10 marks unattempted, not because I did not know how to do, but merely because I was an idiot and did not manage my time properly. I had to do 4 out of the 5 questions and mistakenly left the deductive question to the last, despite knowing well that I can't handle a deductive question under pressure. Can I be dumber? And in the last 15 minutes of panic and scramble I had not manage to clinch the marks that I could have easily gotten. I am so utterly disappointed, because Chemistry is supposed to be my forte, my best subject and I had just done my entire year's worth of effort a great injustice. I worked my ass off for Chemistry and this exam may be summarising my FINAL chemistry grade unfairly. I can't even summon up the courage to cry because I feel like I don't even deserve the right to. I feel so bad; I had just misrepresented my hard work and done my Chem teacher a great disfavour. All the consultations that we had, all the detailed and well-planned tutorial lessons, all that feels wasted. I remember being deeply touched during Grad ceremony where she, as a teacher representative gave a touching speech about being humble when we succeed and preserving when we fail. Life is not a make it or break it. And that Alevels is just a mountain that we have to overcome; there will be so many more mountains ahead of us. I was so touched because it was everything I failed to make myself realise. Considered from a sufficient distance, every thing we do or say is indeed meaningless right now. It was as though life came with a pair of glasses with a zoom-in and zoom-out function. Right now I am zooming in by perhaps a thousand times I can only see the flaws and idiosyncrasies of my being and my great folly.

When I came out of the exam hall on friday, the Chemistry teachers of the cohort were mostly waiting outside the hall, waiting to ask us how it went, I was one of the first to emerge; having wanting to escape the pain and into the comforts of denial by leaving the exam hall as soon as possible. I saw my Chem teacher and she asked my how was it, I sadly shook my head and admitted my folly of losing 10 marks and worriedly asked if that will cost me my A, to which she replied that she wouldn't know, and Paper 2 will more likely be the determining factor?? And when I asked if the paper was difficult, I was greatly disappointed, because she said it was very manageable, before looking over my shoulder and telling me to focus on paper 1. I felt so sorry and indebted and I hope that she can get a better response from her other students, "Oh damn the paper was so easy, I breezed through it!" or some response of sorts. And seeing the crowd of students chirpily discussing their answers, I only felt a sharp pang of disappointment, knowing full well that I may have already gave myself an unfair disadvantage by losing that 10 marks. I know it shouldn't be this way, but this year, with no close friends by my side, I kind of feel like everyone is a competitor. Yet I also know that the only person I should be and can be competing with, is myself.

Why I don't greet people when we meet along the hallways

Humans are social creatures. Yes indeed. As creatures of high levels of intellect, we recognise the importance of human interaction and engage in it actively. Akin to survival skills, social skills are the prequisite for the success of an individual into today's competitive society.

I, unfortunately lack these essential skills. Many a times, I question whether being an introvert has resulted in my lack of confidence to socialise. Or perhaps it was some lingering childhood fear of not being accepted by a clique in class? I am still clueless.

Whenever I meet friends or classmates in the doorways, I find it more comfortably to simply gaze in the opposite directions/pretend to be preoccupied, rather than squeeze out a simple "Hello." It was not always like this.

 I still remember a brief period of time whereby I was almost always enthusiastic to meet my friends along the corridors and would wave frantically and call out their name. There was this classmate of mine. (She was quite myopic, haha..) That day, I saw her chatting animatedly with her classmates and proceeded to do of my standard frantic waves; she didn't see me. (I was about 10 metres away.) Upon crossing paths, she finally noticed me!..and proceeded to smile awkwardly and wave rather dismissively, before carrying on her conversation. "Ouch!" She was not a mean person, and is, by far one of the most compassionate and empathetic person that I know. That made me reflect a lot. I wondered if I was too enthusiastic; was my wave too exaggerated? Was I embarrassing? Was she just distracted? I came to the mistaken conclusion that perhaps my greeting was unwarranted and I was really distracting them from being present with friends. Perhaps I lost a little confidence and a little more unwanted. 

Unintentionally, this has resulted in me becoming less than popular with my new classmates. Thought of as aloof, my classmates preferred to leave me alone, as they were afraid too, of disturbing my solitude. Perhaps I asked for this, hahaha.. 

Recently one of my classmates from my previous class, S, whose company I enjoy, asked me why I have been less than enthusiastic about my greetings. I told her what I've just mentioned and she told me something that changed my perspective. Greetings are meant to be consistent, and are almost always welcome. When you stop being consistent with them, it inevitably creates an atmosphere of awkwardness, that wasn't even there in the first place. People instinctively start wondering if anything has gone wrong and it provokes an unnecessary chain of puzzlement, not different from those feelings I'd felt earlier. And greetings are not distracting, it is a way of socialising, it is a way of life. It is not distracting, and you may just expand your social circle. While it is not a contest to become Miss Popular, greetings are only polite and courteous. 

So just skip those self-derogatory and complicated thoughts, and just wave hello today!:)

20th Oct 2016