On not being good enough

I feel quite thankful for my mum, who tells me reassuringly that there is always going to be a way out. In my wildly emotional exam anxious mind, I feel greatly assured. This feels like the kind of unconditional love that I seem to be searching for since forever. Yes, there will always be a way out. If I *touch wood*, don't get into my desired course, I would just settle for something else. But this is a difficult thought to come to terms with, and precisely so because I have painted a well-defined painting of what my future should be like. It is especially difficult to throw all these high expectations away and have 0 expectations and simply divert my efforts to living the best out of life. I believe that everyone is given the same opportunity and failing to grasp at it or perform well reflects poorly on my abilities. Perhaps this is a Paradox of Privilege. Surrounded by a sea of high achievers, I feel deeply motivated, yet under-accomplished. I am so pitifully afraid of under-performing, and the perfectionist in me in losing the confidence to even try-a dangerous state of mind. I must be brave and battle head-on. I must overcome my fears.

At this point I would like to share this quote a close friend shared with me. This is what she said: 

"In a world where we too often talk about our differences, we have at least one thing in common. We all struggle. Not in the same way, nor in the same level, but we all want a fighting chance. And we all share in one gift: the will to make the most of our lives. To take what we've been given and turn it into something better. And this could be considered the sentient measuring stick of success. But to do so is seldom simple and more often requires we fight. Not against each other. But against the current threatening to drown the ambition in us"

You are not alone in your struggle. While it might be hard to see that we are all struggling in our different ways, know that your struggles are no less "unaccomplished" than anyone else's. Your struggles have made you the person you are today, your struggles have allowed me to come into your life as your friend. Your struggles have shown me how much fight you have in you and how much you inspire me in my own struggles. Your struggles have allowed you to grow into the wonderful person you are today.

"There is tremendous purpose in struggle. It is when the struggle becomes so fierce that we must fight to swim or sink. Grace is the defining moment when we face and fight a monster poised to define us or destroy us. The closer we get to the furnace of the affliction the more our obstinance and pride burns off revealing the best way to win a fight in ourselves is to let grace fight the battle instead."

You don't know how great and strong you are how sometimes i look at you and wonder where your dedication comes from."

Now, I would like to take a moment to let her message sink into me. I foresee that many years down the road I may face similar difficulties again, throwing a shade of self-doubt over my accomplishments. I like to remind myself to come back to this quote and the reminisce in these kind words from a friend of mine, who could see the good in me that I fail to see. 

I am fully aware that many years down the road, perhaps if I am ever so lucky, with my first daughter in my arms in the nursing room, that this failure may well be insignificant. But right now the wound is so raw, that it stings with every thug at my conscious.